Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Ending this more babies

   Since I started my blog, I'm happy to say that not only did we get pregnant again, but in February 2014 we had a healthy baby girl!
   I've avoided my blog page for quite some time as it was only a reminder of where we had been in the journey to become parents and how hurtful that journey was.
   It is time for us to begin a new chapter in our lives and although it is a well thought out, difficult decision, not a lot of people can understand why we are calling it quits on future children. I hear time and time again "you have such a beautiful daughter, don't you want another?" or "you can't just have only child?". Well...yes, everyone...that is what we really have decided to do. Say some prayers for my husband as he takes the plunge in a few days to (ahem) "remedy the situation".
   I can tell you with absolute certainty that this was not without tears and heartache and I am sure we will have our gauntlet of questions from our daughter as she gets older. She is not an only child in our eyes. She is one of five children and the last of those five. With 3 miscarriages and 4 losses before her, all with their physical and emotional tolls on myself and my husband, we cannot venture down that road again...I cannot. Each pregnancy took a physical toll on my body and were followed by D&Cs which were physically and emotionally awful. Being well versed in medical knowledge, 10 weeks along in each miscarriage, forensically I am fully aware of what was involved. That leads to the emotional toll of loss. Dan & I had opportunities to watch our babies grow, move and hear heartbeats followed by devastation. I still don't quite know what to do with the ultrasound photos of the babies we have lost. I endured months of counseling and was left jaded and unable to feel the joy I should have for the first half of my pregnancy with my daughter...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now that we have had the opportunity to physically hold and love like no other love, we (I) can not fathom nor endure the physical and emotional loss if it were to happen again. We are grateful for our miracle baby, our rainbow baby after many storms. We are done. I know many more people will ask, a few will insist that we must have another, and more will just never understand the road we traveled to get where we are. For those that never had to travel a road of loss like ours, I am so happy for you and pray you never do. For those that have, I'm sorry and I pray for you too.
   So as this chapter in our life ends...should I make my husband franks and beans, meatballs, or polish sausage for dinner on Friday as he sits on ice?

No comments:

Post a Comment