Monday, February 18, 2013

Fat & mad at the world

The title says it all...
In the course of a year, we have gotten pregnant 3 times, had 3 miscarriages, and lost 4 babies. I gained 35-40 lbs total by time we endured our third miscarriage. I needed a break mentally, physically, and needed to lose some weight before I could even consider trying to get pregnant again. I wear scrubs daily which are generally forgiving in the weight gain department...within reason. I now found myself rotating through the same 2 pair of extra large scrub pants because that was all that would fit. Out of work, I had 1 pair of jeans that I could feasibly wear...and that was it.
I was mad at the world! Mad at God, mad at myself, mad at any and all of my friends that were getting pregnant or having babies and I felt like life was passing me by. At 35 now, I am young, but from a medical perspective, there really is a ticking clock. I avoid most work & friend conversations about pregnancies, babies, etc. because it is just too hard to listen, knowing "it should be me too".
So mad & tearful, my husband & I went to our follow-up doctor appointment. Gritting my teeth, angry and with tears streaming, he told us our various options which included surgery...the hysteroscopy to "look around the uterus" and the surgical "fix" of any anomolies that may be causing our miscarriages.
"When do I get scheduled...ASAP please".
In the mean time, I began a weight loss program and am happy to say that as of today, I am 14 lbs lighter and continuing to work hard at losing the weight.

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