I can't believe this happened to us! Why did our babies get taken away from us!
needed to be told and it was going to be even more devastating to tell
them. Against most people's advice, we had spilled the beans on our
pregnancy to everyone by the 8 week mark (family, extended family,
friends, work, facebook...). Now, everyone needed to be told that our
hearts had been crushed. We started with family and let them help in
spreading the news to extended family, then was work and facebook.
Unfortunately, I was literally and figuratively "a mess". My husband
bore the burden of delivering the horrible news to most people while I
sobbed uncontrollably in bed, on the floor, in the shower...to top it
all off, my parents were out of town on vacation & I just wanted my
I awaited the call from the Dr. as to when I would be
scheduled for a D&C (it would be immediately scheduled the following
I arrived to the hospital (where I work) and am told to
provide a urine sample to make sure I'm not pregnant. (Normal routine
for ALL procedures that a woman is having, except when having a D&C
for miscarriage...the nurse hadn't looked at my procedure yet, just
proceeded with normal procedure). I just stood there in shock, shaking
my head slowly...and then faster, while I couldn't choke back the
tears...they just flowed. Embarrassed, she looked at my chart again and
apologized. An aide escorted me to the pre-op room and helped me change.
She then closed the curtain to maintain my privacy as many "work"
familiar faces kept walking by.
I kissed my husband goodbye as
they wheeled me back to the O.R. I found out later that our hospital
played the lullaby (for newborn babies) just as I was wheeled away from
him, and he lost it, sobbing.
The pain and bleeding after the
D&C was rough. I had an average of 4-5 out of 10 pain with bouts of 9
out of 10 at times. I'll share the gory details with those that
inquire, but will spare the majority of my blog audience.
goodness I have a great personal counselor and a supportive husband to
help me get through the following days, weeks, and months...
& cards began to arrive because no one knew what to do or say...I
put them in the dining room (away from the living room where I spent
most of my recovery days). Then I began to pitch the cards. I couldn't
look at the flowers without crying...not just tearful reflection, but
falling on the floor sobbing at times. It was just a shrine to me...of a
loss that I was struggling to overcome. I asked my husband to take them
away...some of them were beautifully expensive, but I just couldn't
look at them anymore. He had his Mom take them to a hospice center (I
think)...I just wanted them out of the house.
My poor husband...as
he was trying to deal with the loss himself, he was also desperately
trying to help me put the pieces back together. He was a nervous wreck.
Not knowing what TV program, movie, or spoken word would send me into a
devastating spiral of emotion. He was working with my counselor and so
was I. We argued about when to "try again". One doctor told us "wait 1
period" another doctor told us "wait two". I chose the "wait one"
answer, he chose the other. I wanted to get pregnant again to help me
get over the loss, he just wanted his wife "better again". When we were
able to be intimate again, having a baby was all I could think
about...affecting the "mood". I wanted to steal all of his condoms and
sabotage them...I wanted a baby! It took a few months to "get over my
obsession" and lots of counseling for both of us.
The doctors were
unable to tell us what the problem was and why we miscarried, but said
we would try some blood testing and other techniques for "next time".